Rescue Rangers Celebrity Jeopardy
By Cyber Daimyo
Part Two
Gadget Hackwrench: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongrel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you, a broken and miserable man. Let's take a look at the scores. Mepps has set a new Jeopardy record for futility with...
Mepps: Suck on it Gadget. Suck it long, and suck it hard.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's beautiful. You kiss your mother with that mouth.
Mepps: No, but I did something to your mother with this mouth! [ points to mouth ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Okay! Why? Dale Oakmont has an impressive -$32,000.
Dale Oakmont: I know Kung Fu.
Gadget Hackwrench: For the last time, no you don't. And finally, Tammy in a commanding lead with zero.
Tammy: Did I win? Because there's some people I need to thank.
Gadget Hackwrench: Let's just take a look at the board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables"; "Foreign Flicks"; "Things Gadget Sucks"-wait! [ Mepps is laughing. ] All right. [ Gadget walks over and takes down the hand-written "Things Gadget Sucks" sign as she crumples it up in a ball and throws it away. ] Let's continue..."Potpourri"; "Hot or Cold"; "What Ears Do"; "Is This A Hat"-that's where I name an object, and you tell whether or not it's a hat. And finally, "Colors That End In Urple". Tammy, you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.
Tammy: I'm a girl you know.
Gadget Hackwrench: [ shakes head ] Let's just go with Foreign Flicks for $800. [ Mepps buzzes in. ]
Mepps: Ursula Andress.
Gadget Hackwrench: What?
Mepps: Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's Foreign Flicks, Mepps. Foreign Flicks. Mr. Oakmont, why don't you pick?
Dale Oakmont: I shall take Balloons for $800, if you please.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's not a category.
Dale Oakmont: My mistake. I shall choose Balloons for $600.
Gadget Hackwrench: I tell you what, let's do Colors That End in Urple. For $800. This color ends in "urple". [ Tammy buzzes in. ] Tammy.
Tammy: What is light urple?
Gadget Hackwrench: [ shakes head ] Wow. [ Dale buzzes in. ] Dale Oakmont.
Dale Oakmont: I will venture a guess. Who is Jaleel White?
Gadget Hackwrench: What?
Dale Oakmont: Is that not the gentlemen who played Urple, the humorous fellow with the glasses who loves cheese?
Gadget Hackwrench: That's Urkel! [ Mepps buzzes in. ] Oh good, Mepps wants to say something.
Mepps: I thought of some more foreign ladies I snogged.
Gadget Hackwrench: Let's just go to Hot or Cold for $400. And it's a Video Daily Double. Here goes nothing. Please take a look at your video monitors. [ screen shows Fat Cat and two female dancers. They start dancing. ]
Fat Cat: It's me! Come on, Fat Cat! Come on! [ Livin' La Vida Loca music starts ] Oh my! In this cup there's some hot tea! It's hot hot hot! Watch! [ takes a sip ] Yow! Hot hot hot! So the answer is: Hot hot hot! or cold. Hot hot hot! or cold. Come on! Hot hot hot! [ video fades ] [ no one buzzes in. ]
Gadget Hackwrench: None of you knows. No one can figure out if the hot tea is hot or cold. [ Dale buzzes in. ] Thank God! Dale Oakmont.
Dale Oakmont: Is it iced tea?
Gadget Hackwrench: [ agitated ] No! It's hot tea!
Dale Oakmont: Well, then I have no idea.
Gadget Hackwrench: Let's just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is...oh come on, why would they do this? The category is Famous Mothers.
Mepps: [ laughs ] My day has come! [ keeps laughing ]
Gadget Hackwrench: [ rips card ] I'm not going to give you the satisfaction. [ Mepps stops laughing. ] The new category is Anything. Write anything. [ 1980s Final Jeopardy music starts ] Just write. Use your arm, hand, and special pen, and move the pen around. Scribble if you want to, just make some kind of mark. [ music stops ] OK, let's get this over with. Mepps, you wrote down: Below. I don't know why you wrote that, but technically that's a correct answer. You did write something. Let's see what you wagered: Me. Below Me. [ Mepps laughs ] Below Me...I don't get it.
Mepps: Oh, I'll bet you do, you Canadian ponch. [ slaps Gadget on the head. ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Proud day for you and your family. Dale Oakmont, you look rather pleased. Let's see what you wrote down: [ a blank screen is revealed ] Nothing. The question was write anything, and you got it wrong. I'm speechless. Let's see what you wagered: Eleventy billion dollars. That's not even a real number.
Dale Oakmont: Yet.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's simply amazing. And finally, Tammy.
Tammy: Thanks Gadget. I'm so honored to have been here today, there's so many people I have to thank. [ camera shows a sobbing Chip Maplewood in the audience. ] I couldn't have done it without Gadget Hackwrench, the incredible cast and crew of Jeopardy, my publicist who is a beautiful human being...that's it.
Gadget Hackwrench: Touching. That's all for Jeopardy;
Regis, you can have them. Good night. [ Mepps pushes Gadget as she walks by.
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