Rescue Rangers Celebrity Jeopardy
By Cyber Daimyo
Part Five
Gadget Hackwrench: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy." Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Mepps has set a new Jeopardy record with -$230,000.
Mepps: You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Gadget? What with your crazy ears and greasy hair!
Gadget Hackwrench: Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? From "Gangsters: Organized Crime: Rescue Rangers version," Rat Capone in second place with -$17,000.
Rat Capone: I'm a late bloomer, Gadget, see, and in Double Jeopardy, I'm gonna bloom, see!
Gadget Hackwrench: Sure you will. And finally, back again, Mole in a commanding lead with $14.
Mole: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this.
Gadget Hackwrench: Mole has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.
Mole: Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name.
Gadget Hackwrench: Great. Let's take a look at the final board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables"; "Sharp Things"; "Movies That Start with the Word Jaws"; "A Petit Dejeuner" - that category is about French phrases, so let's just skip it.
Mole: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You're a nerd mouse, pardon my French. [ does a quick laugh ]
Rat Capone: French is for sissies, see!
Mole: Yeah, well, who gives a stupid category?
Gadget Hackwrench: Moving on.. "Animal Sounds"; "Condiments"; and finally, "Your Hide or a Hole in the Ground." Mole, unfortunately you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.
Mole: Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for, uh.. eight thousand.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's "Condiments." For $400. "This condiment is made from mustard seeds." [ Capone buzzes in ] Rat Capone.
Rat Capone: The answer, of course, is onions. I'll take "Condiments" for $800, see.. [ buzzer sounds ]
Gadget Hackwrench: That's not the right answer. [ Mole buzzes in ] Mole.
Mole: That's not my name.
Gadget Hackwrench: Okay. Turd Ferguson.
Mole: [ laughs ] Yeah, what do ya want?
Gadget Hackwrench: You buzzed in!
Mole: No I didn't.
Gadget Hackwrench: Yes you did!
Mole: Yeah, well, that's your opinion.
Gadget Hackwrench: I hate my job. The answer was "mustard." Mustard is made from mustard seeds. Mole, it's still your board.
Mole: Yeah well, why don't you give me, ah.. [ clears throat ] why don't you give me Ape Wit for $200.
Gadget Hackwrench: It's not "Ape Wit." It's A Petit.. [ shakes head ] ..never mind! Let's just go to "Animal Sounds" for $600. This is the sound a doggy makes. [ Mepps buzzes in ] Mepps.
Mepps: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]
Gadget Hackwrench: No.
Mepps: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night! [ laughs ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Okay, that's not necessary. [ Mole buzzes in ] Mole.
Mole: Who is, ah, Scooby Doo? [ buzzer sounds ]
Gadget Hackwrench: No.
Mole: Yeah, that was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and, ah, solved mysteries.
Gadget Hackwrench: That is incorrect.
Mole: No, that's correct. I remember he had a nephew, Scrappy Doo.
Gadget Hackwrench: No. [ Capone buzzes in ] Rat Capone, the sound a dog makes.
Rat Capone: Um.. [ breathes ] ..who is John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band, thank you very much, I'll take Animal Sounds for $800 please.. [ buzzer sounds ]
Gadget Hackwrench: No! Good Gravy! We would've accepted "bow-wow" or "ruff!"
Mepps: Ah, ruff. Just the way your mother likes it Gadget!
Gadget Hackwrench: Come on, that's way out of line, but.. [ Mole walks up to Gadget wearing a large hat ] Mole, what are you doing?
Mole: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It's funny.
Gadget Hackwrench: No, it's not!
Mole: Sure it is. It's funny. It's funny because it's ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] ..you know, a normal hat.
Gadget Hackwrench: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium.
Mole: [ laughs ] Take a look at that!
Gadget Hackwrench: Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. [ Mole goes back to his podium ] It's not funny. What's going on? Okay, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is.. [ rips card ] you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number, any number and you win. [ late 1990s Final Jeopardy music starts ] We'll accept any number, any number at all.. a one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It's that simple, I know you can do this. [ music ends ] Let's start with Rat Capone, who's grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself. Think you've got the right answer?
Rat Capone: Yes, I'm pretty sure of it, Gadget, see.
Gadget Hackwrench: Well, all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote.. [ shows Capone's screen ] ..Threeve. A combination of three and five. [ Capone shakes his head "Yes" ] Simply stunning. And you wagered.. [ shows his wager ] ..Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless.
Rat Capone: No, I did not get the answer from anyone else, see, it all came from my noggin.. [ points at his head ] ..up here, see.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's beautiful. Mole..
Mole: Yeah, don't bother, I didn't write anything.
Gadget Hackwrench: Good work, all right. Finally,
Mepps.. the category was Numbers, and you wrote.. [ shows his screen ] ..a
letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend - V is a Roman numeral, so despite
your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered.. [
wager is revealed to use the V as part of a K in "Rock it Gadget"
] "Rock it Gadget." [ Mepps laughs wildly ] That's all the time
we have. Good night, my.. [ Mole places over-sized hat on Gadget's head ]
[ yelling ] Would you get that off of me?! [ pulls it off her own head ]
[ fade out ]