Cobwebs of the Past
A Chip N' Dale's Rescue Rangers story by Morgan Kohl
For a moment, Chip was overcome with a wave of unreality. He actually stumbled back a few steps. His dream had become real before his very eyes. This _was_ the place. Exactly!! It was stunning to see such vivid proof that his vision had really been just that. Every detail was precisely as he'd seen it. From the Pepsi machine to the red-bordered crate labels.
Well, not exactly the same. In his dream he'd seen Dale and Foxglove trapped in overflowing aquariums. He could see there was a lot of water everywhere, and a big smashed water tank, but no aquariums. (Had Chip been aware that the aquariums were currently *under* the big smashed water tank, he might have gone into a panic, fearing the worst had befallen his teammates.)
Chip looked the place over from a detective's standpoint, trying to piece together what he'd missed. The warehouse was an absolute mess of course, indicating that _something_ must have taken place here, but all the other Rangers were together, laughing happily, Dale and Foxy obviously weren't in any mortal peril, and when he saw Victoria in her helpless condition, Chip knew for sure that the situation was well under control. He breathed a sigh of relief and waved to the guys. "Hi everyone! Sorry I'm late, but I had a little business to attend to. Hope I didn't miss out on too much of the action!"
Chip walked over to the others, leading his mystery companion along with a tug on the donut wrapper that covered them. While the others were all glad to see him, they were also equally curious as to who or what in the world could be under that wrapper. Who had Chip rushed off to find? And why were they covered up from head to foot?
Tammy rushed up to snuggle against her main 'munk. "Hiya Chipper, Sweetie, Honey, Lovemuffin!" she greeted enthusiastically.
Chip blushed just a bit and ran his fingers through her pretty red hair. He gave her a gentle kiss. "Good to see you too, Tammy." He was much less overt with his affection than her, but you could see in his eyes how much he cared for and adored the little squirrlette.
"So, I'm sure everyone's wondering, whatcha got in the bag?" asked Tammy bluntly.
Showing Tammy a knowing grin, Chip gestured to Dale and Foxglove. "I assume Victoria tried to kill you two again tonight?"
Foxy and Dale hugged each other and they both nodded. "It was awful!" Foxglove said. "She tried to drown us, and wanted me to watch Dale die before she killed me too!"
Chip nodded grimly. "I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm so sorry, guys. I really wish I could have helped out. I'm glad to see though that you've already got her under control," he said, jerking his thumb at the bound widow.
"That's okay, Chip," Gadget said. "We were kinda late too, but we managed to thwart Victoria anyway. Achally, Foxy's the real hero here. She'd the one who went after Vicky and tied her up."
Chip had just enough time to give Foxglove a glance of impressed congratulations, before Victoria suddenly spat out the webbing in her mouth and bellowed at the top o her lungs "DON'T CALL ME VICKY!!!"
Chip arched an eyebrow, crossed his arms, and looked down at her callously, as one would look at something icky stuck to the sidewalk. "Oh really? How are you planning to keep us from calling you 'Vicky' as much as we want, Vicky? For someone who has no respect at all for the right of my friends to live and be happy, you sure have a lot of gall expecting us to give a tenth of a darn what we call you!!" Victoria glared hatefully back at Chip. The others were all a bit surprised by the sheer contempt in Chip's voice.
"Why should I respect any of you?" Victoria responded icily. "You miserable, heartless creatures killed my true love! How come no one cares about that? Am I doomed to suffer the loss of my dear Lou forever, never having any restitution or revenge?!?"
Chip grinned at her smugly. "Vicky, there's someone I think you should meet."
Before she could protest, Chip pulled the wrapper off of the person he'd taken so many preparations and so much time to bring to this moment. The Rangers gasped. Victoria's words stuck in her throat and her eyes went blank.
Standing right in front of her, all four hands on his hips, was Lou.
"I trust you two have met before?" Chip tossed off smartly.
Victoria could not, would not, refused to believe her eyes. It couldn't be! It was *impossible*!!! She struggled to speak. "... He's... That's... It's a trick!"
"No tricks, Victoria," Lou said, cocking his little black derby and tapping one of his four yellow shoes in anger. "Chip told me all about you on the way over. I was kinda miffed when he hadda chlora'form me, but when he woke me up and told me about all the mean stuff you've been doin' to Foxglove and her boyfriend, I got so mad! I always knew you were a rotten apple, Vicky. I shoulda never gotten in with you, nosiree. But you was always actin' so bossy, tellin' me what to do alla time. I admit, I did useta love you some. But now you make me wish I'd never met you at all!"
Victoria's mind was spinning worse than when Foxglove had kicked her in the head. This could not be happening. Lou could not still be alive because Foxglove had killed him and Foxglove deserved to die because of that. There was no possible way in Victoria's mind that she could be wrong. This _could_not_ be happening! This was not Lou standing in front of her! "You are not my Lou!! Lou is dead! SHE killed him!" she screeched, glaring *icicles* at Foxglove.
Foxy took a step back. The sheer malice in that glare made her gulp.
Lou grabbed Victoria's chin in one fingerless-gloved hand, forcing her to look in his eyes. "Don't tell me I'm not who I am! You know I'm Lou!" And to prove it, he leaned over and whispered some things into her ear. Some _extremely_ personal things that it was impossible for anyone else but him to know.
Victoria somehow blushed and paled at the same time. "No... But how... I know you're dead, Lou! You had to be dead, because when those stinking mammals got rid of that Winnifred woman, you never came home to me. You couldn't have left me!"
Lou sneered in her face. "Well, I did. And you'd better get used to the idea 'cuz I ain't ever comin' back! You're a domineerin', loudmouthed, fussy, self-absorbed old meanie. I don't love you anymore and I don't know why I ever did! I musta been stoopid, or the biggest jellyfish inna world, to ever think you loved me."
The tarantula pointed a finger right in her face. "Vicky, you may hate me but it ain't no lie-"
"Baby, Bye Bye Bye!" Tammy suddenly sang out.
Everyone in the room turned to stare at her.
Realizing her little slip, Tammy instantly clapped her hands over her mouth. She was blushing as red as her hair. "Sorry, but I've had that darn song stuck in my head for a month now!"
Victoria didn't even register Tammy's musical outburst. She just stared at Lou. Eyes wide, mouth open dumbly, unable to say a word. No no no. This could not be. Her whole world was coming apart at the seams. She could not let herself accept what Lou and her own eyes were telling her. For the past two years, all she had lived on was revenge. Foxglove had taken her lover away and it was only right that she take Foxglove's lover away too, and her as well. It was only fair. Victoria *knew* this was real and true. They had killed Lou: they deserved to die.
But if Lou was still alive... That must have meant he had never died. Foxglove had never killed him. And that meant... No, it wasn't possible that Foxglove truly didn't deserve all she'd done to her! Victoria's entire world was based firmly on the fact that she was always right. About everything, but especially about this.
And now, seeing Lou *right* in *front* of her, her carefully crafted revenge was falling to ashes. Her whole world was shattering. She couldn't let that happen. She had to keep the pieces together. Foxglove deserved to die for killing Lou. But Lou was still alive. But Foxglove deserved to die for killing him, but Lou was still alive, but Foxglove deserved to die, but Lou was alive but Foxglove deserved to die but lou was alive but foxglove...
It was a paradox that Victoria could not resolve. She could not accept that she was wrong. Her brain simply could not handle it. Her mind centered fully on those two looping thoughts, and ceased all other functions except for the most basic life-sustaining ones. Within a few seconds, Victoria had driven herself completely, catatonically, utterly insane.
Lou noticed Victoria had stopped moving. "Uh, Vicky?" He waved his hands in front of her eyes. "You okay? Heloooo! Say somethin'!!" He turned to Chip, "I think the shock was too much for her!"
Chip examined the sphinx-like spider as well, and realized Lou was right. He slapped Victoria's cheeks a couple times, snapped his fingers and even poked at her open, staring eyeballs. But Victoria didn't budge.
The other rangers clustered 'round and gave the task at hand a try as well. Victoria was still breathing, her heart still beat, and she blinked every thirty seconds or so. Other than that though, none of them could raise the slightest sign of consciousness from her. Not even when Foxglove squealed "Wake up, VICKY!" in her most annoying tone as loud as she could.
The black widow had left the building. Given the choice between being wrong and going mad, Victoria had gone mad.
"Ding dong, the witch is dead," Crisscross said dryly.
Lou shook his head sadly. "Guess so. Can't say I'll miss her much tho'," he said, thinking about what their love could have been like if only she wasn't a homicidal maniac.
Lou turned to look over at the Rangers, feeling a wince of remorse at remembering all he'd done to them that fateful night in the laundromat. Seeing Zipper again gave the tarantula an extra pang of guilt. He rubbed the back of his head ashamedly. "Um, geez, I guess I should apologize to alla ya. I mean, I'm sorry about bein' a jerk that day when you guys came to save Foxy and show Freddie a thing or two. I shoulda never hooked up with her anyway. Bud was one'a them bad infloon'ces on me. Vicky too. So, sorry about that. Especially to you, Mr. Fly," he said, addressing Zipper. "I shouldna tried to eat you like that, nosiree."
It was hard not to feel sorry for Lou, and all the Rangers, including Zipper, made it clear to him that he was forgiven and that they had no hard feelings.
Foxglove came up to Lou and gave him an awkward little smile. It was a strange feeling, reuniting with someone she'd once been partners in crime with. "So, um, Lou... What have you been doing since you left Freddie?"
"Tapdancing, mostly. And ya know, Foxglove, I wondered the same thing about you more'n a coupla times. I always hoped you'd fall in with some good guys like the Rescue rangers. You were always the nice one."
Foxy smiled at hearing that. "We should catch up on old times, Lou," she said, giving him a pat on the shoulder.
"Speaking of catching up," Dale said excitedly, "Chip, you'll never believe what me 'n Foxy just told everyone else!"
Tammy burst out laughing. "Or what Crisscross had to put up his butt!!!"
The foxbot groaned.
Everyone laughed, except for Chip, who wondered what in the world they were talking about.
* * *
Bernie Withers, the young white-furred pyromaniac squirrel, fidgeted nervously on the bench in the lunchroom of the Cleckley Hill Asylum. He cast a glance over his shoulder at the cute little black-furred squirrelgirl who always sat at table five and who ate her carrot sticks in the absolute cutest way. His voice trembled "I- I don't know if I can do this."
His companion, a boisterous, free-spirited piebald rat named Ratdale D. MacMurphy, put an arm around his shoulders. The fabric of their grey-blue mental home uniforms rubbed together with an unpleasant scratchy sound. "What's the big deal?" Ratdale said breezily. "You like the girl, you think she's cute-" He snuck a quick glance at the squirrel in question. "-which she is, so the logical thing to do is just go over there and talk to her!"
Bernie fidgeted some more. He'd hardly touched his chipped gunk on toast. "But I don't know what to say and I don't wanna look bad in front of her," he said pessimistically, hanging his head.
Ratdale lifted his chin up. "Listen kid, do you remember what you were like before I got here? What *most* of you nuts were like? Always sulking around, never having fun, it was boring as heck! I felt it was my duty to shove some life up this place's wazoo. And I _thought_ I'd had some success with you, Bernie-my-boy. You hardly talked at all when we first met! You were like a squirrel sized hunk 'a marble! I coulda ran a hose through ya and made you into a park fountain, fer cryin' out loud!"
Bernie had to admit that was true. Ratdale's buoyant presence had worked some miracles here, despite the staff's continued annoyance at the rat's indominable rebelliousness. Ratdale had given bernie's confidence in himself a big boost.
MacMurphy clapped Bernie on the shoulder a little too hard. "Where's your spunk, man? Where's your moxie? I swear, you've been moonin' over that gal long enough, if you don't get up and talk to her, I'm gonna haveta slug you in the guts for your own good!"
Strengthened by Ratdale's confidence, and his threat of bodily injury, Bernie was just about to leave when the rat pulled him close again. MacMurphy pointed right in his face and whispered conspiratorially, as if imparting a great lost wisdom. "And keep this in mind, chief, you're both in the nut house. It's not like she has any reason at all to look down on you."
Bernie digested this. It was quite true. Ratdale slapped him a few times on the back. "Now go get 'em, sport!"
Bernie felt a confident smile come over his face. He stood up, gripped his tray, and determinedly walked across the room to her.
The little black squirrel looked up. "Hi!"
Bernie very nearly passed out.
Ratdale clapped a paw over his eyes. "Kid's doomed."
The squirrelgirl patted the seat next to her. "Have a seat," she said brightly. "Your name's... Bernie, right? I think we've been in group therapy a few times, even though I've never heard you say a thing," she said with a light giggle.
She knew his name, she remembered something about him and she was *giggling*! This was promising! Bernie smiled, trying to look confident and failing, but in a cute way. "Uh, yeah. My name's Bernie. Withers. Bernie Withers, I mean. What's your name?"
She smiled at him. "Rachel. Rakowski. Rachel Rakowski, I mean," she said, mocking him, but in a cute way.
Bernie blushed and grinned and nearly put his elbow in his mashed potatoes. "Nice name, Rachel." He tried to think of something else to say. "So, um, why are you in here?" Ouch, dumb question!
She smiled coyly. "You tell me first."
Bernie had to bite his lip and take a deep breath. He so hoped this wouldn't turn her off. "Um... I'm a... Pyromaniac," he admitted quietly.
"Oh good, we're both maniacs then!" she responded cheerfully.
"You're a pyromaniac and I'm a kleptomaniac," she explained. "That means I steal stuff, if you didn't know. I honestly don't mean to, but it's unconscious! I do it without thinking! My therapist has been trying to help me realize it when I do snatch stuff, but it's not going very well, I'm afraid. I have eight of her pens in my room already!" She suddenly looked down into her shirt pocket. She pulled out a mahogany-colored ball-point. "Oh shoot! Another one!"
Bernie chuckled. He liked her even more now! He really enjoyed her open and easygoing manner. "Well, at least it's not as dangerous as being obsessed with fire," he said with a sigh. He wanted her to know he could be open and honest too.
She smiled at him, as if she knew something about him he didn't. "Oh, I don't think you're dangerous at all, Bernie Withers. I think you're shy. And that's good because I like shy guys; they're cute!"
He couldn't believe it! "Really?"
"Sure do," she said softly. She reached under the table and gently rested her hand atop his. They both smiled. "By the way, here's your spoon back."
She handed him a dull metal spoon and it took him a few seconds to realize it had come from his own tray. He hadn't even noticed her take it, and she probably hadn't either, he realized.
Just then, the lunchroom doors swung open and two burly orderlies burst in, pulling a gurney between them. On the gurney, a black widow spider lay, her eyes wide and staring, but obviously seeing nothing. She was strapped down, but that seemed rather unnecessary. Her entire body was unmoving, except for her lips, which seemed to be saying the same soundless words over and over and over. Something about her, some dark vibration, sent a chill through everyone in the lunchroom. The orderlies wheeled her through the other set of doors in the back, probably taking her to get checked in and diagnosed, or to be medicated. Or something worse. The asylum's residents all wondered who the new patient was, and what could possibly have put her in a state like that.
Ratdale D. MacMurphy stood up and said loudly "Did you see that?! I swear, some of the people in here are *crazy* or somethin'!!"
(As credits roll, The Ramones' "Pet Sematary" plays loudly)
First and foremost, this story is dedicated wholeheartedly to the lovely and talented Miss Deborah Walley. A wonderful, shining woman who gave her beautiful, beautiful, beautiful voice to a little pink bat who we all love so much (as well as a very naughty blond mousette!). Deborah's passing saddened me greatly, and I'm nearly in tears again as I write this now. I wish I could have known her as well as some of you other Rangerphiles had. And I wish she could have seen all the get well pictures we made. But I like to believe that she _can_ see them. That maybe she can even read this story from wherever she is now, and see how much I and so many others love Foxglove, and love her for bringing Foxy to us. I have always believed in heaven. I know that a kind, smiling woman like Miss Walley, who embodied all the best parts of Foxy, is in a better place than this. And maybe there she knows how much we miss her.
Goodbye, Miss Walley. And thank you so very much.
Okay, now onto the disclaimers and legal kaka: Chip, Dale, Gadget, Monty, Zipper, Foxy, Tammy, Lou, Winnifred, Bud and even Sewer Al are all copyright the great, all-powerful, fire-spewing, Eisner-faced demon known as Di$ney. Victoria and Marie Sunslope are both copyright the exquisitely eloquent fanfic genius Matthew Plotecher. Foxy's Mom and Dad are copyright whoever had the idea for them first. Probably Manchild. Crisscross, bernie, Ratdale and Rachel are all copyright ME, but you can use 'em if you wanna. I'm certainly not making any _MONEY_ off them. Snarl, curse, growl.
Foxglove Fairmont--------------Deborah Walley
Dale Oakmont-------------------Corey Burton
Victoria---------------------------Alice Krige (the Borg Queen)
Chip Maplewood---------------Tress MacNeille
Gadget Hackwrench------------Tress MacNeille
Monterey Jack Colby----------Jim Cummings
Zipper Musca-------------------Quentin Tarantino
Tammy Chestnut---------------Noelle North
Crisscross Flaversham---------Matthew Broderick
Sewer Al-------------------------James Earl Jones
Foxglove's Mom----------------Gillian Anderson
Foxglove's Dad------------------David Duchovny
Bernie Withers------------------Charlie Adler
Rachel Rakowski---------------Christine Cavanaugh
Ratdale D. Macmurphy-------Jack Nicholson
Marie Sunslope-----------------Susan Sarandon
MUSIC: "Runnin' Down A Dream" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by The Beach Boys, "Don't Wanna Close My Eyes" by Aerosmith, "Walking After You" by Foo Fighters, "Bye Bye Bye" bye *Nsync, "Pet Sematary" by The Ramones, "Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz, and "Moonlight Sonata" by good ol' Ludwig Van. Soundtrack written and performed by Mark Snow.
Howlin', Flamin' heaps o' author thanks go out to Mister Matt Plotecher for letting me use his characters and screw up his continuity as I saw fit (and for his immense help in editing this thang), and also to lesser-known-but-still-great fanfic genius Justin Reese, who helped me a lot with my ideas for this, as well as came up with the idea for Cobwebs' sequel, which will be out for perusal as soon as he gets off his lazy tuchus and finishes writing it. You heard me! Write faster, slave! BWAH-HA-HAAAA!!!
Watch for my newest fanfic, coming out soon, wherein Gadget comes across a letter that she has carried around all her life and just happens to have never read, which reveals that her true mother is actually...
No, I'm kidding. I swear to God I am. That would be disgusting.
Crisscross would like to say that he wishes Gadget was a vampire too, so he could relish the feeling of her lying in his fur, dressed in a little Vampirella outfit, biting into his throat with cute little mousey fangs and draining the very living motor oil from him.
CRISSCROSS: Hey, a fox can dream, can't he?
Christine Cavanaugh, voice of Chucky, Babe & Oblina (and here, Rachel Rakowski) once cameoed on an episode of The X-Files, where she played a woman who'd given birth to a dog-tailed baby and was impregnated by a man posing as Luke Skywalker. Now see how everything comes full circle?
This is Mixmaster Morgan Kornelius, wishing you all peace, love, and souuuuuuuuul! If you liked this thing, or have many questions, I'd love to hear from ya at email@example.com If you *didn't* like the story, please stick your head in a barrel of shhhhhaving cream. ;D
Early the next morning, Solly Rumplemeyer; the owner of a small, fairly slow moving waterside shipping warehouse, trudged up the docks in his Dickies to start the place up for another fun-filled day of him and the other employees; Al, Dick and Tom, sitting around playing poker while the inventory rotted.
He noticed a tiny note taped to the front door. "Sorry about the mess" it said simply.
Solly opened the door, and bellowed like a brahma bull being run over by a steamroller...
Back to the stories