Rescue Rangers Celebrity Jeopardy
By Cyber Daimyo
Part Eight
Gadget Hackwrench: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Officer Muldoon, your charity is Habitat For Humanity. Arnold Mousenegger, yours is the Children Are Our Future Foundation. And, Mole, yours is the Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort . We have quite a match going on here. Let's look at the score. We've got a close race going on for second place between Arnold Mousenegger at -$6,800, and Mole with -$6,900. And, with a commanding lead, it's Officer Muldoon with -$4,500. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It's time for Double Jeopardy. Let's take a look at the board. The categories are: FAMOUS ROBERTS, THREE LETTER WORDS, POTPOURRI, POTENT POTABLES, COLORS, HOLIDAYS, and, finally, U.S. STATES. Muldoon, you pick the category.
Officer Muldoon: Uh... FISHING for $1,000.
Gadget Hackwrench: There's no "FISHING" on the board, Muldoon.
Officer Muldoon: I li- I like fishing.
Gadget Hackwrench: Okay, that's great. Let's just start with FAMOUS ROBERTS for $400. And the answer is: 'This was John F. Kennedy's younger brother.' [ Muldoon buzzes in ] Officer Muldoon?
Officer Muldoon: Teddy.
Gadget Hackwrench: No.
Officer Muldoon: Who is Teddy?
Gadget Hackwrench: No!
Officer Muldoon: What is Teddy?
Gadget Hackwrench: No! [ Mole buzzes in ] Mole?
Mole: I'll tell you something, Gadget... I- I think he's right.
Gadget Hackwrench: No, he's not right! Remember the category: FAMOUS ROBERTS... in the Kennedy Family!
Mole: Who is Robert Blake?
Gadget Hackwrench: No! [ Mousenegger buzzes in ] Arnold Mousenegger?
Arnold Mousenegger: Well, my dear, good babe, the board appears to be mine. I mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions, 'who's on first?,' 'what's in the chicken?,' whoa-oa! and all of a sudden [ time-out beep sounds ] I'm walking down the- [ time-out beep sounds again ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Arnold, your time is up. Muldoon, you still have control of the board.
Officer Muldoon: [ playing with his buzzer ] In Tahiti, they have these dogs... that they train to catch frisbees in their mouth - it's amazing.
Gadget Hackwrench: ...And I'll pick the category for you. HOLIDAYS for $400. The answer is: 'This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.' [ Mole buzzes in ] Mole?
Mole: Yeah, what is my birthday?
Gadget Hackwrench: Is December 25th your birthday, Mole?
Mole: No, July 7th!
Gadget Hackwrench: Actually, I have your bio here - it's February 11th. [ Mole buzzes in again ] Mole?
Mole: What is July 7th?
Gadget Hackwrench: Absolutely not! [ Mousenegger buzzes in ] Yes! Arnold Mousenegger?
Arnold Mousenegger: [ leaning on podium ] Little Bobby, and little Susie, have hung their stockings with care. Mom and Dad are out looking for 'Tickle Me Elmo' 'til five A.M., and all of a sudden, Bobby looks up and he says, "Hey! Who is this Jesus?"
Gadget Hackwrench: [ angry ] You know the answer, just say it!
Arnold Mousenegger: Meanwhile, Kris Kringle is drinking Coke! The reindeer are playin' the Playstation 2! The elves are wearing Nike! They're walkin' along- [ time-out beep sounds ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Time is up, Mr. Mousenegger. The answer was 'Christmas.' [ Mole buzzes in ] Mole?
Mole: He's a good guy!
Gadget Hackwrench: What... [ confused ] Wha- What was that, Mole?
Mole: Robert Blake! He's a good guy! You should think about putting him up on your board there.
Gadget Hackwrench: Once again, Mr. Muldoon, the board is unfortunately yours.
Officer Muldoon: [ twisting his buzzer in his hands ] I went into this, um, 7-11 this morning... and I wandered over to the magazine rack... there's so many magazines about cars... so many magazines about cars...
Gadget Hackwrench: I'm going to assume you picked COLORS for $800. Name this color. [ a red square appears on the game board ] Let's just forget the whole 'answer in the form of a question' thing. Just name this color! [ Mole buzzes in ] Mole!
Mole: Yeah, it's a rectangle!
Gadget Hackwrench: At this point, Mole, I'm convinced you have a learning disability. [ Mousenegger buzzes in ] Mr. Mousenegger?
Arnold Mousenegger: We live in a society where everyone claims to be color-blind...
Gadget Hackwrench: I know where this is going!
Arnold Mousenegger: What's going on!?
Gadget Hackwrench: [ Muldoon buzzes in ] Mr. Muldoon?
Officer Muldoon: [ Slowly removing his pants ] You know, I was riding a bicycle... that I got from my grandma on my 7th birthday... and I was with Wally Koch... and, God, I miss that good man.. he had fingers like a sailor... I remember one time, in Bangkok... [ time-out beep sounds ]
Gadget Hackwrench: The answer was 'Red.' Mr. Mousenegger, you are at -$7,200.
Arnold Mousenegger: All right!
Gadget Hackwrench: Mole, you seem to have broken your buzzer..
Mole: Ahhaha!!
Gadget Hackwrench: And, Mr. Muldoon, you're pantless from the waist down. Let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. I tell you what, let's just forget the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current year, what year it is right now. [ The 1980s Final Jeopardy theme plays, as contestants write down their answers ] It's a number. What year is it? This year! It starts with a '20.' [ theme ends as Gadget approaches the podiums ] Okay, let's see what we've got. Mr. Mousenegger appears to have written way too much. In fact, he's still going on. Let's see what he's got so far. [ The screen reads: 'In a society where time's more important than God, family, + Country, Dad's working two shifts at the factory. Mom's got 3 jobs. The kids know t' appears on his screen ] Not even close to what we want.
Arnold Mousenegger: Oh, come on!
Gadget Hackwrench: Okay, now, Mole, I didn't see you write anything. Maybe I missed it... [ a blank screen appears ] ... and I didn't. You gave no answer.
Mole: Why don't you let me buy a vowel?
Gadget Hackwrench: Okay, that's infuriating. [ approaches Officer Muldoon, who has a puppet on his hand ] Mr. Muldoon chose to speak to a puppet in lieu of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer. [ Muldoon's screen reads 'POOP' ] You wrote 'Poop.' This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Muldoon.
Officer Muldoon: [ concentrating on his puppet ] You're a- you're a squawking parrot... you're an- you're an ant.
Mole: [ squawks like a parrot ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Okay... Mole is the winner,
by having the least negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach
Golf & Tennis Resort will receive a check for $10,000. That's it for Celebrity
Jeopardy. I quit.